In this episode of Beyond the Loss, we dive into this complex emotional landscape. For many parents, joy after loss doesn’t show up as pure relief. It arrives tangled with loyalty, confusion, and fear—not because joy is wrong, but because navigating life after this kind of loss is incredibly complicated.
The Loyalty Bind: Suffering as Evidence of Love
When a child dies, suffering can easily begin to feel like one of the last remaining ways to stay close to them. We don’t consciously choose this, but pain can feel like concrete evidence:
Evidence that we haven’t forgotten them.
Evidence that the bond is still intact.
Evidence of our profound love.
Because of this, stepping into a moment of happiness can feel like a direct betrayal of their memory.
“Suffering may be part of love after loss. But suffering is not the only proof of love. Pain is not the only way our children remain present.”
For me, this realization helped me stay deeply connected to my son, Michael. Michael was a bright presence who loved happiness. Over time, I’ve had to remind myself that when I experience joy, I am not betraying him. I am honoring something essential about who he was.
Caught Between Impossible Expectations
Part of what makes this shift so difficult is how the outside world misreads us. Grieving parents often find themselves caught between two impossible societal expectations:
Don’t grieve too visibly (or people worry you aren’t moving forward).
Don’t appear too alive (or people assume you are completely fine or “over it”).
Inside that tension, it becomes incredibly hard to trust your own experiences. If you are feeling that resistance today, know that it belongs. There is absolutely no need to rush toward joy. There is only the possibility of not turning away from it when it naturally arrives.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
The Psychology of the Loyalty Bind: Why our minds subconsciously link ongoing suffering with loyalty to our deceased child.
Redefining Proof of Love: Understanding that carrying your child’s values, humor, courage, and light forward is just as powerful as carrying their loss.
Navigating Societal Judgments: How to trust your own internal timeline when the outside world misreads your grief or your functionality.
The Complexity of Choice: Why experiencing joy doesn’t mean the absence of grief—they can exist together.
Pattern-to-Practice: A somatic reflection for the week to help you gently observe how your body processes unexpected moments of ease.
Pattern-to-Practice: A Somatic Reflection for the Week
This week, I invite you to simply observe your internal world without trying to force change.
If a moment of joy, ease, beauty, or simple relief arises over the next few days, pause gently. Notice what actually happens inside your body. Where do you feel it? Is there tightness, or a sudden pulling back? Name that sensation.
If it feels right, gently ask yourself:
Could this moment exist without meaning I love my child any less? Could this joy be another way my love for my child expands?
Additional Resources
Website: sharonspano.com
Podcast: Beyond the Loss Podcast
YouTube: @SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host
Substack: drsharon on Substack
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Apply here to share your story: Podcast Guest Application
About Beyond the Loss
Beyond the Loss: Life and Identity After a Child Dies is a podcast dedicated to helping grieving parents, bereaved families, and professionals navigate the emotional, relational, and identity shifts that follow the death of a child. Through compassionate conversations and clinical insight, we create space for healing, understanding, and honest reflection after profound grief.