In Episode 25 of Beyond the Loss, Dr. Sharon Spano sits down with Gwen Kapcia (LMSW, FT)—a licensed social worker, certified thanatologist, and co-author of Not Another Lasagna: How to Truly Help a Grieving Friend—to explore what grievers truly need when their world has been upended.
“The literal definition of the word ‘bereaved’ means to be torn apart. When you look at a friend who is bereaved, you have to look at them as if they have been cut in two.” — Gwen Kapcia
1. Understanding Pregnancy & Unborn Loss
Gwen shares her personal experience with pregnancy loss 30 years ago, highlighting how society frequently minimizes loss when a child dies before birth. From insensitive workplace comments to the silent awkwardness of neighbors, pregnancy loss carries a unique weight. Acknowledging every child’s place in the family system—including unborn children—is crucial for honoring truth and systemic order.
2. We Cannot “Fly Over Pain”
In many cultures and faith communities, there is a subtle pressure to quickly return to normal or “celestially fly over pain” to demonstrate resilience. However, grief cannot be bypassed. Drawing from the tradition of biblical lament, Gwen emphasizes that crying out, asking questions, and expressing deep sorrow are necessary parts of healing.
3. Differing Spousal Grief Styles
No two people grieve identically—even within the same marriage. Dr. Sharon notes how her husband finds comfort in visiting their son Michael’s grave weekly, whereas she processes her grief through writing and journaling. When couples give each other permission to grieve differently without judgment, friction yields to mutual understanding.
4. Practical Ways to Enter the “House of Pain”
When visiting or supporting a grieving friend, keep these core principles in mind:
• Say Their Name: Don’t avoid mentioning the person who died; grievers want to hear their loved one’s name and share memories.
• Offer Presence Over Words: You don’t need a perfect speech; sitting quietly and holding space is far more powerful than forced answers.
• Leave Your “Dirty Boots” at the Door: Enter a griever’s space with reverence and care, rather than bringing your own unexamined baggage into their home.
Pattern-to-Practice: Supporting a Friend in Crisis
This week, if you are walking alongside a grieving friend or relative, try this simple three-step approach:
1. Speak Their Loved One’s Name: Send a simple message or say in conversation, “I was thinking of [Name] today and wanted to let you know.”
2. Remove the Pressure to Fix: Remind yourself that your job is not to cure their pain, but to be comfortable sitting in the messy space with them.
3. Offer Specific, Low-Barrier Help: Instead of asking “Let me know if you need anything,” offer a concrete gesture—such as running an errand, taking out the trash, or sitting quietly over coffee.
Additional Resources
• Gwen Kapcia’s Website: grief-guide.com
• Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s Center for Loss: centerforloss.com
• Official Website: sharonspano.com
• Podcast Page: Beyond the Loss Podcast
• YouTube Channel: @SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host
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